Sometimes, I feel like I’m very difficult to get close to. I have many attributes that, I would say, may it very difficult to befriend me. Here’s just a short post describing one of them.
I have a set mindset. When I say that, I really mean a VERY set mindset. Perhaps its this air that I feel that I feel like my judgement is better than everyone else (at least I hope its not that reason) or maybe its just that I prefer trusting myself a lot more than anyone else (which in the end of the day could just point to the first suggestion). But ultimately, that’s the way I live my life. I’m the type of person who when everyone in my university batch rush to get a piece of study material, I would explore all the options first and not follow everyone blindly. If anything, herd mentality is the opposite of how I live my life.
Sometimes it draws some very strange looking eyes. Since let’s say for a project I’m doing something differently from everyone else. But ultimately, I will go through with what I feel is right at the end of the day. I guess this is one point of conflict with my girlfriend. My girlfriend is the opposite of this. In a sense, I don’t really like people just copying and taking my personal ideas – hence I like isolation sometimes, to not draw the lingering eyes. I don’t really like the idea of me finding something, then she looks over at my screen and goes over to do it herself (particular bothers me if she does it without any consent whatsoever).
Let me get one thing clear. I share. I will share what I can. But I will only share when its time to share. I’m not that asshole student who will keep things to myself but keep in mind what everyone does. I will share if its legitimately good and believe noone knows what it is. I guess that’s just a short introduction to this attribute of mine.
I guess another example of this can be found in my taste/distaste in other people. Quite frankly, I will come off as someone difficult to befriend (at least become a close friend of). I love mixing around with new people and making acquaintances, but its really difficult to know me deep down inside. But when I dislike something about someone, I really hold a grudge. Personally, I feel like its killing my social interactions sometimes. Grudges are one thing, but my reactions are another.
I tend to feel like I have this tendency to freeze people out when I have no intention of being someone’s friend. Its a bit over-done, but if I don’t like someone, I go all out to freeze that person out of my life. Its why I can’t maintain friendship groups as well. One person in the friendship group I don’t like? Everyone, out the window, I either have to be friends with you separately, or not at all. I don’t want to see that person X in my life anymore.
I guess the worst part about what I do is that I justify all this by saying to myself that since its just isolating – avoidance, etc. – I’m not exactly doing anything. Hence, if anyone says/reacts (as in a proper reaction), then I have nothing to say about it since I did nothing at all. I can always come back to the fact that I didn’t physically do anything whatsoever.
Sometimes I ask myself, why am I like this?
Anyways, any advice for people like me? Please do leave a comment in the comments section below. 🙂 Love reading comments and just replying to them.
These few days I’ve had a lot on my mind, so its just been a lot of mumbling from me, but I guess the direction I’m taking this is towards thoughts, food (cooking and food adventures) and travel (since I’m moving really soon). Most likely I’ll just post food stuff when I’m running dry on ideas. Thanks for the read!