Relapse

Funny, isn’t it? Sometimes it takes looking at someone else to realize your own addiction. A habit that started out so innocent which grew to eat you up inside.

This was pretty much my thoughts after meeting someone yesterday night. Who I met? A long time friend from about 4/5 years ago. I wouldn’t say we were the best of the friends, but our friendship circles intersected enough to be considered friends. I knew from before he did weed, he did drugs and that stuff, but it never was that bad. Or so I thought.

Went to rehab. 6 months, just got back a couple months ago. This is even some RM 60k (you can convert online) rehabilitation course in Sarawak, a pretty remote island. The day before I met him, he snapped. A mutual friend accidentally left some leftover weed with him (I didn’t quite understand how or why) and he just lost it. Couldn’t resist the temptation.

When I met him for supper with another friend, you could tell he was shaken. You could see the regret in his eyes. I’m sure that after those 6 months of pure torture (or whatever they do to you in rehab, pain association, complete abstinence) he would have hated to be back on step 1.

Hands were shivering, almost. Eyes just staring into the corner of the room. This was definitely not the same person that I knew from a couple of years back. He tried his best to retain normalcy, to pretend nothing happened. I’m pretty sure the one thing rehab does is tell you not to beat yourself up over relapsing, rather taking it as a learning process.

I’ve got so many friends into weed to varying degrees. Another one even flunked out of a year in engineering due to his habits and went completely broke despite pretty lavish financing. But I guess it’s these encounters that I guess wake myself up, and force me to reevaluate myself as to whether I am where I want to be, and quite frankly, I’m not.

I’ve got so many bad habits that I want to throw out, and it is these meetings which open my eyes to how bad my personal addictions really are rather than think that they are worse. In many ways I feel so sorry to a certain degree because I understand how difficult it is to get out, and is the exact reason why I want to tell myself that I don’t want to be sorry for myself.

Relapse is not a bad thing. As long as you learn from it, it can be a learning experience. You need improvement and self discipline in order to overcome addictions. Nothing is ever going to come easy. One thing I guess I have learnt over the years would be that showering is a fantastic way to stop yourself from relapsing. Resets your thoughts, refocuses your mind and lets you get out of that craving zone.

So, how is your Sunday everyone? Wish everyone a great weekend before the week ahead!

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