Shattered, Broken Inside

30th July 2018. A day that changed me. I’ve faced failure before, but perhaps none more consequential that the results I received that very day. Right now, I’m shattered, broken, almost. The amount of regrets, insecurity I’m drowned in right now, as well as anger directed at the world, despite the knowledge that I only have myself to blame is swallowing me up at the moment.

A little bit of background first. I just finished my finals for what was my third year in medical school. Definitely not a top student, but I did well enough to get by. Absolutely bombed a ‘mock’ exam back in December 2017, I think that was around 45% with the pass mark at 58% (Single Best Answer), so that was a pretty big wakeup call. But clearly it wasn’t big enough.

Definitely played catchup in the subsequent months, and I came up just short. By 0.19% to be precise. I scored 61.11% in an exam by which the pass mark was 0.19% higher. (Don’t really want the precise number to come in search engines for myself to be identifiable) It hurt. Really. It still does. The consequence? Repeating the whole year, paying for the whole year, and a humiliation of a grand nature. I mean how can I face my old batch mates, my new ones, and in particular my girlfriend who got through to the next year comfortably?

I am physically exhausted. To deal with the administration with regards to failing, to talk with my parents, and even talking with my girlfriend about this.

I actually told my girlfriend just flat out, I don’t think I can drop my ego and my pride enough to continue dating her, to deal with the abundance in insecurity of being a year behind and not being capable/competent enough to date her. Perhaps its because we’ve been through a lot together, perhaps she just feels that she can’t possibly drop me at my lowest, I cannot stand the fact that there are those thoughts racing through my head every waking minute. She stopped us from separating, but I mean, at what cost? I don’t know anymore, to be honest.

The other consequence of repeating the year as I mentioned before is the whole social aspect. That only 10% of my batch have to go through the year again. That lecturers will make snide remarks with regard to seeing my there once again. That batchmates and new batchmates alike will have their judgements knowing what’s happened. That people will want to know what happened, and spread the rumours, that whether me and my girlfriend should continue dating. It is tearing my apart, quite honestly, and the new academic year isn’t even here yet.

I honestly think it is pretty harsh if a coin flip of a guess is what determines having to go through a Déjà vu of an entire year’s worth of classes and moving on to the next stage. I’m pretty sure that there should be another way, but alas that is my fate.

At the very least (if it was even considered a consolation), at least there’s someone I know who’s retaking. Someone who understands what it’s like to go through it, and to do it together.

Honestly, pretty down in the dumps at the moment, but have to fight through it, and do it again. How you guys doing? Cheer up.

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