So, a few of you guys might know that I’ve been having a little bit of a hard time lately. Long story short, I failed third year of medical school, and I have the unceremonious honor of repeating the year to the detriment of my dignity both peer-wise, as well as the snide jokes that will inevitably come my way when I see lecturers once again. Its’ been a tough time, so I thought why not take it as an opportunity to look at myself from a psychiatric point of view, and I guess just look at it as a cross-sectional review of how I feel at the moment.
So, of course I’m going to have to rule out a lot of things. First of all, I do not have an addiction to any illicit of legal substances such as amphetamines, cocaine, etc. Nor do I even consume alcohol or smoke cigarettes, I kind of loathe that kind of thing personally. I’m the type of person that wouldn’t really do anything with known health risks. I, however, will admit that I have a porn addiction dating back years, watching around one instance every 2 days, but with streaks of which I don’t watch in between. However, in ICD 11, that is not sufficient for someone to be diagnosed with compulsive sexual behavior disorder. Here’s the criteria for those interested:
- engaging in repetitive sexual activities has become a central focus of the person’s life to the point of neglecting health and personal care or other interests, activities and responsibilities
- the person has made numerous unsuccessful efforts to control or significantly reduce repetitive sexual behavior
- the person continues to engage in repetitive sexual behaviour despite adverse consequences (e.g., repeated relationship disruption, occupational consequences, negative impact on health); or
- the person continues to engage in repetitive sexual behaviour even when he/she derives little or no satisfaction from it.
The only one that I would say is a bit arguable would definitely be b), because I’ve been trying to reduce/abstain from doing it, but its definitely a challenging hill to get across.
(I’d at least like to think) My perception is normal, meaning I don’t have any hallucinations of any modalities (meaning smell, visual, hearing, touch, autonomic) and I don’t have any delusional perception. Nothing is affecting my thoughts (insertion, deletion, control or broadcast), and I have no made thoughts/acts/impulses. No somatic passivity (meaning I don’t feel anyone is controlling my body). So, with that at least I rule out schizophrenia due to the absence of Schneiderian First Rank Symptoms for Schizophrenia.
Personality disorder wise, I would say I am obsessive about time, but not in any other aspects in my life. I just really like to be on time. Don’t think it comes under the criteria for that. Definitely not emotional/dramatic/erratic, nor would I say I am dependent on anyone, eg. Family/girlfriend. But I would think maybe avoidant may just about be me right now. Don’t really want to respond to people’s texts, (all except my closest circle). The only thing is acute stress disorder might also be where I’m standing right now due to what’s happened, the acute nature of it, and I guess the fact that I’ve been fine all this while.
Then, of course, we have to talk about mood disorders. Just to clarify, never previously had a manic episode, nor anything close to suggest mania for me. That pretty much rules out mania. But right now, of course the low mood because of what happened, energy I think is still okay, slight loss of interest, but I don’t think it would really be enough for me to qualify it as depression. But low mood, appetite remains the same – although there is weight loss – definitely guild and self-blame towards what’s happened, definitely low self-confidence, and there are just lingering suicidal thoughts which I feel that I would never act on, just that I view it as a last resort. As mentioned above, no hallucinations. So if anything, really mild depression would be I guess at the worst where I would box myself in right now.
But right now just trying to stay positive and fight through an extra year. To find ways to occupy my time rather than waste it moping around. I’ve tried kickboxing since I’ve stayed with my parents over the holidays, and just tried to stay positive, but it is hard as hell.
But for any of you guys out there, cheer up. We all get back on our feet one way or another.