My current girlfriend is my first ‘official’ relationship. She’s a girl with whom I have had many firsts with. First kiss on New Year’s Day, first girl who has seen me cry and breakdown, first ‘I love you’ I’ve said to someone not in my family. You get the idea. She is a girl I hold in my heart very dearly. We’ve been through lots of ups and downs in the 30+ months we’ve been together.
We’ve fought fiercely about differences in opinions, friends we have, even about family. We’ve even broken up for a grand total of 1 day because of an argument that I can’t even what the topic of interest was. But we got back with each other. Because she knows me, she understands me and accepts me despite the faults she knows I have.
So, let me just get down to the bare bones of how I’m feeling right now. As a few of my more avid readers will know, I’m going to have to repeat my third year in medical school due to failing an end of year component. I’ve just been thinking about it day in, and day out, and I guess just wanted to talk a little bit about it. I’m under fire from a whole lot of places. My family pretty much want to disown me, just that they won’t say it directly, I have to do a whole lot of administrative rubbish just because this happened, my peers are gossiping and making fun of the fact that I failed an exam (constitutional perk of studying in Malaysia) and I can’t do anything but stand in front of them all, and nod and accept what has happened. All this, and I missed out on passing my 0.19% (yes, you read that correctly, it’s not 19%, it’s 0.19%)
Its’ been a difficult year. I can’t help but blame one of two things. Of course, myself, for neglecting my responsibility to study. For procrastinating, for moping about studying. But I can’t get myself to not blame my girlfriend. She’s the type who likes to spend time together, doesn’t want to drift apart because we’re not eating together kind of person. You see, we lived in places 20-30 minutes apart. But what instead happened was that I made the sacrifice to make that trip almost every weekday (and weekend to be fair) just to eat dinner with her. I recognize that this should also be a fault of mine personally, but please at least understand that I’m a non-confrontational person. I’m someone who doesn’t want to fight with anyone. All I wanted to do was make her happy.
I don’t think she can understand this fact.
She’s been supporting of me since hearing the news, but I can’t help but feel that she’s only doing that because of pity, if not guilt. For leaving me at the point she would seem like a monster, and that quite frankly would be how she could be perceived to be. I’m sorry, I’m a bit paranoid, insecure, call me whatever ever since I’ve heard the news. How can I ever face up to her parents when we are staying the same course at the same university? How can I walk around and meet her friends if I’m like this?
What if I personally feel that staying together is worse for me, and that she wouldn’t be able to understand that? I love her very much, but I quite honestly think that a new start would be healthier for myself, as selfish as that may be. I can’t stand the fact that I’m less competent than any of the other guys in my (now old) batch. Call me insecure, I just prefer not to overthink about things like that.
I just want a little bit of feedback on how to feel. Any of you guys go through anything like this before?