Avoidant

I’m someone who hates conflict. But in doing so, it’s something that can perhaps make a really big one. Let me give you an example. Let’s say I’m annoyed with John (made up name). John says he’s sorry about what he’s done. I say to him I’ve accepted his apology. Life back to normal, yes? No. I’ve not accepted his apology. To me, he’s saying sorry as etiquette and he’s not genuinely sorry.

He messages me about something, doesn’t matter if important or not. I ignore it for several days. I reply to my messages on WhatsApp through the home screen, meaning it doesn’t show me as being online. I guess that’s how hard it is to talk to myself at times. I can’t stand bulls*** coming from people sometimes, so I tend to think the best approach would be to just ignore it, and confront only when required.

I have a very small circle of friends who I will be able to let off with annoying me. Probably could count them with a single hand. I’m pretty sensitive like that, which makes it hard to befriend. A big circle of “yeah, we can talk about what’s going on in our lives”, but a really small one dedicated to “shit, life is so rubbish right now”. In return I have a small number of friends who have accepted me for being like that, and tolerating it.

I just think it’s not worth the extra drama in my life. At the end of the day, people just want to see each other fail. That’s what I’ve gained from my 3 years in Medical School. People will say what they like behind your back. I’m more of a straight shooter. I say it as it is, how I see it. Definitely hurt some feelings along the way, but I’d like to think that I know my limits.

The source of so many fights with my girlfriend is that I have a problem with many of the things that she does. I just don’t want to confront them until it is so physically evident in my behavior that it is something bothering me. Then the fight starts. How I can’t just say what the problem is and discuss it. But I sometimes don’t think she gets it. She has a very narrow A = A, B = B so the problem is solved kind of attitude. I’m a complicated as h*ll kind of person, and you know that’s true when I label myself that. My problem usually isn’t the problem. It is the thought process leading to the problem.

To her, my problem would be viewed as “Oh, you don’t like that, okay then, I will be more sensitive about that in the future”. When for me, I just feel “I cannot possibly understand why you think it is okay to do that. Can you consider my feelings when you do certain things”? I’m talking especially about repeat problems. Those that we’ve discussed before.

It is the reason why I’m grateful for her patience for me being who I am, as well as a reason why I feel we’ve never been fully compatible for each other.

Any thoughts or maybe similar experiences to the stories I’ve shared? Do leave a comment, I love to see what you guys have to say.

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