Repeat Year | Day 1 | Loneliness

Have to do the same thing. All over again. Need to stop the anger and just reflect a bit about what’s happened and turn it into something positive.

So as some of my more avid readers will know, I failed a year in University. Meaning I have to repeat the year again. I’ve been pretty down lately, and boy, today was tough. The toughest part? Just walking into that lecture theatre, into the great unknown. Don’t really know anyone there, don’t really want anyone knowing I’m there. My heart pretty much pounded so hard when I was walking to that lecture hall.

The embarrassment, the guilt, the shame, the awkwardness. I don’t really think that I’ve ever felt to that extent before. I go in, I sit alone towards one corner at the back. See a familiar face of someone from my year, having to go through the motions one more time, and I decide to sit with him. Going for lunch, I can’t really bear the thought of going to the cafeteria, nor where people would normally go for lunch. I go somewhere quite far off, where noone will probably go.

Take my lunch, sit down and eat. I suddenly get this urge to just cry and breakdown right there and then. I hold it in, and get back into my car. Hour or so left till the next class. Feel like just driving around, because I really have no plans to go back early. Get back, go through the motions once again.

Meet some pretty nice people, but I just can’t help but feel that it’s difficult, and it will be difficult. I’m down, but I’m most surely not out. Just have to take it day by day. A step at a time.

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